Dead End

11 de abril del 2018, miércoles  

Fitz and I have been on the phone since Sunday night.
He hates that I left the apartment.
I tell him I needed the space- that I am broken and need time to clear my thoughts because I don’t like the paranoid, jealous girlfriend I’ve become.
I told him I left because I love him and I wanted to get back to the best version of myself to salvage our love, our relationship, and our future.
He says he understands.

I miss him.

5:00am-Wake up.
Get ready for work.

6:00am-Drive to our apartment parking garage.
I have time to sneak up and give him a kiss and say good morning.
Park car.

6:10am– Walk up the stairs because the elevator takes too long.
Walk through the hallway-it is quiet.
I see a piece of trash that belongs to a corner of Marley’s cat food bag- I smile.
Put the key in lock.


Open door.

His keys are on the hook- he is home.
Turn on kitchen light.
I see his shoes are neatly placed near the bookcase.

Why are there girl’s shoes next to his?

No one is on the couch.
They are both on the bed
Under my comforter.
Continue reading “Dead End”


The Phone

2 de abril del 2018, lunes

i May 2, 2016
Sunday 1:13 PM

Think what you want
I love my jobs

I know. You love them more than me.

Don’t make me do stupid shit please
My family is first just like your family is first

You’ve already done stupid shit to make
me not trust or believe in you. Ever.
You broke my heart and I hope that satisfies you.
I’ll eventually get over you and be ok and you are going
to have to live with knowing that you ruined
the beautiful, loving, and most magical relationship.

Believe what they want you to believe

Photos are proof enough.

I have done nothing but bust my ass since I’ve been
with you- you have seen this. I have done nothing
but love you and put up with all of your bullshit

DEAN [saying it is Dean in the pictures]

I have believed every single thing you
Have told me blindly. I am done being
your little fool

Just remember this name. DEAN.

You are the love of my life and it’s hard to say
good-bye. Don’t forget mine S. I hope that
whenever you see a pair of scissors you think of me.

Never thought I’d say this but I just want
to die now and I mean that right the fuck now


Continue reading “The Phone”

The Commute

17 de enero del 2018, miércoles

He told me it killed him to watch me work.
He told me I reminded him of how hard his parents used to work to survive back home.
He told me to find something closer.
He told me he hated that we couldn’t cook and have dinner together;
and here is why:

5:02 a.m. Alarm goes off
5:10 a.m. Get out of bed, shower, and get ready for work
6:10 a.m. Prepare coffee/mate and grab lunch out of the refrigerator
6:20 a.m. Walk two  l o n g  suburban blocks to the train station
6:45 a.m. Train leaves station, SF bound, with limited stops
8:15 a.m. Get to SF and transfer to muni.
From the Embarcadero station-walk to work
8:15 a.m. Work AKA run around the office
1:00 p.m. Lunch AKA walk around the city or walk to the Ferry Building (my favorite) to sit and stare out onto the ocean
2:00 p.m. Continue working– reading, research, writing, and update my resume
5:00 p.m. Start closing up the shop and change shoes: heels, flats or boots-depends on the weather
5:25 p.m. Begin the commute home-walk back to the Embarcadero muni
6:12 p.m. Train leaves station: SJ bound with limited stops. Do I have time to buy a road beer? YES!
7:15 p.m. Walk home
7:30 p.m. Arrive home and get into my comfy clothes
7:45 p.m. Have a snack
8:00 p.m. Prep lunch; play with cats and watch some TV
9:00 p.m. Wind down with a little weed and yoga
10:00 p.m. Get in bed and fall sleep

R E P E A T . . .


27 de diciembre del 2017, martes

Trust walked out and Doubt and Pain walked in.

Only my best friends knew my worries. They knew the extent of my suffering. They didn’t judge me and they didn’t talk shit about Fitz. My time with them was a comfort and a welcome distraction.

I had been watching the alcohol consume Fitz. I had been watching his transformation. The drinking and partying we had been doing had gotten out of his control.

He stopped coming home at 2:00am.
He stopped coming home at 3:00am.
He stopped coming home at 4:00am.

He started coming home at 10:00am.
He started coming home at 1:00pm.
He started coming home at 3:00pm.

The bags under his eyes were getting deeper and darker. I was afraid and didn’t know what to do.

When I brought up the issues and my concerns in conversation, I was brushed off as crazy and Fitz would walk out. Fine. We will put things on hold for now.

Continue reading “sos”

The Skateboard

25 de noviembre del 2017, sábado 

Things started to change drastically after the trip to Tahoe. In a blink of an eye we were at our five year anniversary. Yes, our lives carried on together but it seemed as though we were living side by side-not together. For anyone looking in on us from the outside-things looked perfect. I will admit that there were several happy times. But for each happy time there was a dose of unhappiness.

I was beginning my last semester at school and enjoying the last bit of summer with Fitz was all I wanted to do. We were having a streak of good days and were planning a road trip. Tickets to adventure parks were bought, hotels were booked, and requested days off were approved. Packing was all there was left to do. I was driving home one night and got a call from Fitz, “I’m gonna skate home, I’ll see you in 15 minutes mamma.” I got home and smoked some weed. I put on our favorite cartoons and expected the door to open any minute. It didn’t. 45 minutes later, I texted one of his coworkers and asked if Fitz was still there. She said he had left a while ago and would have someone go looking for him because he had been pretty drunk when he left. 10 minutes later I get a call, “Can you come pick Fitz up? He had an accident.”


Continue reading “The Skateboard”

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