The Commute

17 de enero del 2018, miércoles

He told me it killed him to watch me work.
He told me I reminded him of how hard his parents used to work to survive back home.
He told me to find something closer.
He told me he hated that we couldn’t cook and have dinner together;
and here is why:

5:02 a.m. Alarm goes off
5:10 a.m. Get out of bed, shower, and get ready for work
6:10 a.m. Prepare coffee/mate and grab lunch out of the refrigerator
6:20 a.m. Walk two  l o n g  suburban blocks to the train station
6:45 a.m. Train leaves station, SF bound, with limited stops
8:15 a.m. Get to SF and transfer to muni.
From the Embarcadero station-walk to work
8:15 a.m. Work AKA run around the office
1:00 p.m. Lunch AKA walk around the city or walk to the Ferry Building (my favorite) to sit and stare out onto the ocean
2:00 p.m. Continue working– reading, research, writing, and update my resume
5:00 p.m. Start closing up the shop and change shoes: heels, flats or boots-depends on the weather
5:25 p.m. Begin the commute home-walk back to the Embarcadero muni
6:12 p.m. Train leaves station: SJ bound with limited stops. Do I have time to buy a road beer? YES!
7:15 p.m. Walk home
7:30 p.m. Arrive home and get into my comfy clothes
7:45 p.m. Have a snack
8:00 p.m. Prep lunch; play with cats and watch some TV
9:00 p.m. Wind down with a little weed and yoga
10:00 p.m. Get in bed and fall sleep

R E P E A T . . .



27 de diciembre del 2017, martes

Trust walked out and Doubt and Pain walked in.

Only my best friends knew my worries. They knew the extent of my suffering. They didn’t judge me and they didn’t talk shit about Fitz. My time with them was a comfort and a welcome distraction.

I had been watching the alcohol consume Fitz. I had been watching his transformation. The drinking and partying we had been doing had gotten out of his control.

He stopped coming home at 2:00am.
He stopped coming home at 3:00am.
He stopped coming home at 4:00am.

He started coming home at 10:00am.
He started coming home at 1:00pm.
He started coming home at 3:00pm.

The bags under his eyes were getting deeper and darker. I was afraid and didn’t know what to do.

When I brought up the issues and my concerns in conversation, I was brushed off as crazy and Fitz would walk out. Fine. We will put things on hold for now.

Continue reading “sos”

The Skateboard

25 de noviembre del 2017, sábado 

Things started to change drastically after the trip to Tahoe. In a blink of an eye we were at our five year anniversary. Yes, our lives carried on together but it seemed as though we were living side by side-not together. For anyone looking in on us from the outside-things looked perfect. I will admit that there were several happy times. But for each happy time there was a dose of unhappiness.

I was beginning my last semester at school and enjoying the last bit of summer with Fitz was all I wanted to do. We were having a streak of good days and were planning a road trip. Tickets to adventure parks were bought, hotels were booked, and requested days off were approved. Packing was all there was left to do. I was driving home one night and got a call from Fitz, “I’m gonna skate home, I’ll see you in 15 minutes mamma.” I got home and smoked some weed. I put on our favorite cartoons and expected the door to open any minute. It didn’t. 45 minutes later, I texted one of his coworkers and asked if Fitz was still there. She said he had left a while ago and would have someone go looking for him because he had been pretty drunk when he left. 10 minutes later I get a call, “Can you come pick Fitz up? He had an accident.”


Continue reading “The Skateboard”


8 de noviembre del 2017, miércoles

His round head that I loved hugging
His big brown eyes
His perfectly long eyelashes
The freckle on the tip of his nose
His straight teeth
The way his ears poke out just so
The Old English tattoo of the letter C on his thigh
His soccer player calves
His big round toes
The way he held my hand
The safety and security of his hugs
His dance before getting into the shower
His singing
The birthmark on his forearm that he shares with his grandma
His snoring
His sleep talk
The way he says “tongue”
His goofy jokes
His laugh.

Wedding in Tahoe

9 de octubre del 2017, lunes

Fitz and I had a lake side wedding to go to in Tahoe. I was so excited to have this quick weekend getaway with Fitz. We never got to leave downtown let alone travel anywhere because Fitz didn’t like taking time off. Everyone downtown knew Fitz so we never got to have time to ourselves. Although it was nice to spend time with so many friends, I sometimes very much wanted to be the only thing he payed attention to-just for one second. We enjoyed the sights on our drive up. We sang along to the playlist on the ipod and Fitz streamed a soccer game on his phone. We got a suite at the hotel with a hot tub and it was all very romantical in a finely tacky way. We threw our stuff everywhere and rushed to the rehearsal. After lunch and exploring the strip, Fitz and I checked out the local dive and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the liquor store to take back to our room. We made a mess of the hot tub and the bed. The morning was a little hectic with both of us trying to get ready. I realized I had not brought a sweater so Fitz went out to get me something. We were ready and headed to the lake! No, we forgot things and had to rush back to the room. The wedding was beautiful! I could not keep my eyes off of Fitz, he looked so handsome in his formal wear. I had to sit up front with the rest of the bridal party for dinner but was quickly taken to the bar and the dance floor by my guy as soon as speeches were over. We had such a great time that night. In the morning, a hungover, sleepy couple headed back the their apartment and lives. Things went back to the normal routine. We went back to work, I commuted to school, cleaned the apartment, we made dinner/breakfast, and played with our fur babies. Things were just as they should. We made a plan go back to Tahoe for his next birthday. That did not happen.

Back Home

13 de agosto del 2017, domingo

The flight back from New York took forever. Fitz was picking me up and we couldn’t wait to see each other again. The airplane landed, Alyssa, Monique and I grabbed our luggage and headed out of the airport to wait for our rides. It felt weird parting with Alyssa and Monique having had spent the last two weeks with them. Saying goodbye felt sad but I caught a glimpse of Fitz driving up in the car and gave them both a hug. I thanked them for the amazing adventures and told them how much I loved them. I quickly hopped into the car and said hello to my fella. I felt nervous and my heart was skipping. We pulled into our garage and Fitz carried my bag up to the apartment while I talked his ear off about all the things I saw. Once inside, I immediately opened up my suitcase in the middle of the living room to pull out the gift I had gotten him, a snow globe with New York’s skyrises. Fitz took the globe out of the box and smiled, told me he loved me and that he had missed me too much. He grabbed my face and kissed me and gave me a big bear hug. Clothes flew off in the kitchen and we ended up in the living room. Coming up for air and some shots of vodka, I felt I was finally home. I never wanted to leave this warm and happy place again.

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